You may find yourself thinking about your ex from time to time, regardless of how deeply you feel about your current relationship. It happens to the best of us, and most of the time, there’s nothing to be concerned about. It can become an issue, though, if you begin to doubt your feelings for your partner and your relationship without having a valid justification for doing so. According to experts, you may be subconsciously comparing your current spouse to your former.
Lauren Gentile, PhD, certified clinical psychologist and owner of Psych Wellness, told Bustle.com, “In relationships, there is a level of closeness and comfort that comes over time.” When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you’ve most likely developed a level of closeness that isn’t usually there in the early stages of a new relationship.
It’s common to focus on sentiments of happiness and love when anything evokes a recollection of something that made you feel that way. That’s why, even if you don’t plan to, you may find yourself thinking about your ex while dating someone new. “People can get stuck comparing their ex’s comfort and closeness to their present spouse, and feeling like the new relationship doesn’t match up,” she explains. It’s crucial to remember that developing a degree of intimacy takes time. A new relationship cannot be compared to one that has already had the opportunity to build closeness and comfort over time.
So, how can you know whether you’re comparing your current spouse to your previous one? According to specialists, there are a few subtle symptoms to look out for.
You get upset over small things that your partner does
Couples therapist Anna Osborn, LMFT, told Bustle that if you have an overblown reaction to a seemingly minor incident, it could be a clue that your reaction is based on a previous situation with your ex. “When your response isn’t appropriate for the scenario, it’s generally because the situation reminds you of something from your past, and your response is larger and more intense than necessary,” Osborn explains. “Odds are you’re comparing your present spouse to some injury or wound from your ex,” she adds, if your partner apologises for being five minutes late for dinner reservations and it irritates you to no end.
You want your partner to behave only a certain way
If you have a list of “shoulds” in your thoughts that manifest as unrealistic expectations, it’s a red flag to be aware of. Because you are comparing your behaviour to that of your ex, you may be holding your spouse to a high standard. If this is the case, it’s critical that you express your desires in a “constructive manner.” If you want your needs addressed and limits established, tell your partner calmly, but be careful not to demand too much of them, too soon.
You sometimes find yourself lonely
If your partner says something somewhat inappropriate in your relationship, it may make you feel lonely or rejected since it will remind you of the past. It’s crucial to let go if you want this to quit impacting you. As we break up, we need to be conscious of what is being addressed inside of us. We must reconnect with our emotions, how to allow ourselves to feel our emotions in a kind and caring way, and we must learn about the past emotional pain of rejection and/or betrayal that have not been healed. We must have the ability to love and care for ourselves.