While your friends may have dozens of engagement ring photos saved on Pinterest and comprehensive inspiration for every element of their dream wedding, you’re on the sidelines, trying not to show your anxiousness because you’re not quite ready for marriage. If you’re in a long-term, good relationship but can’t seem to take the next step, it might be time to evaluate your frustrations, even if you can’t pinpoint why you don’t feel the overpowering desire to start the path to marriage. While it’s true that a legally married existence isn’t required for every couple if your partner is hinting at proposing and you’re terrified by the prospect, finding common ground and getting on the same page may be the only way to save your relationship.
Here is a look at why you might not be ready for wedding—and more significantly, what to do about it.
Because you don’t want the same things, you might not be ready to get engaged.
You undoubtedly have a basic idea of the experiences you’d like to have in the following few years – or decades – of your life. Perhaps it’s visiting at least a dozen more countries, getting that promotion at work or starting your own business, and having children. When you’re in a relationship, however, your objectives aren’t just yours; they’re also a shared component of the future you’re creating together. When your desires and your partner’s desires clash, s*x and relationship therapist Courtney Geter, LMFT, CST says tensions will arise, turning you off the concept of a happily-ever-after.
“A fundamental reason why married couples seek counseling is because they have different relationship and life goals, such as expectations of roles, children, and sex.” “Many people overlook the fact that their partner does not fulfill all of their expectations or demands,” she says. “I’ve seen a lot of marriages where one partner wanted children or more children but their future spouse didn’t. At this point in the marriage, the choice becomes whether one person must concede, the pair must reach a compromise, or the marriage must be disbanded in order for one or both partners to achieve their ideal goals. When it comes to gender roles, it’s crucial to talk about them early on, especially for couples who haven’t lived together before marriage. If you expect your partner to participate equally in house cleaning, even if they have someone to do it for them, they may not be proactive in routine cleaning because it hasn’t occurred to them. Discussing issues like these early on can help iron out bugs or evaluate whether or not they’re ready to marry.”
You might not be ready because you don’t feel connected
Intimacy, as defined, isn’t just the enchantment you make between the sheets with your spouse, but also the level of emotional vulnerability you share with them, allowing you to be totally and authentically yourself. Even if you live under the same roof, couples who have been together for a long time and have started to drift apart may sense a kink in their connection, making them feel remote from one another. You may be hesitant to buy a diamond ring as a result of your developing uneasiness. “When couples don’t feel that their needs are being addressed or that their partner isn’t taking proactive steps to resolve long-standing difficulties, they may find it difficult to connect in a deep and meaningful way, both emotionally and sexually,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist, Marissa Nelson, LMFT, CST says. “When you struggle with affection, attention, and connection both inside and outside the bedroom, it makes you worry if marriage will make you happy, and you may wonder if this relationship will last.”
You might not feel ready because you really value independence – or you don’t want to get married.
For some people, it’s the actual act of marriage that scares them, not being with their partner. Many of these notions stem from widespread misunderstandings about what it means to be a wife or husband, a trend that Nelson claims prevents some people from accepting a proposal. “They are afraid of being compelled to give up control of their lives and the opportunity to live life on their own terms in order to ‘compromise’ in a marriage and be accountable to someone else. This manifests itself into fears around the thought of blending lives together, moving out of their home, or merging finances, all of which seems like a huge commitment and quite suffocating to some that want their own space and freedom,” she shares.
Another reason you might avoid walking down an aisle is if you don’t feel like you’ve fully lived your independent life yet. This could be a bucket list item like traveling, reaching a certain career milestone, paying off student loans, or completing graduate or medical school. Whatever it is, Nelson explains that many people are engaged in a dance between wanting to be married and profoundly in love and wanting to be self-actualized. “Because of the responsibilities of pursuing their personal ambitions, commitment may feel limited. “For people in this circumstance, marriage can appear more confining, and they may not feel ready to take the plunge unless certain objectives or expectations they have for themselves are met beforehand,” she says.
First, explore these feelings in therapy
So, what do you do if you’re certain you don’t want to get married any time soon and aren’t ready for it? Before breaking the news to your partner, Christy Whitman, a relationship expert and law of attraction coach, suggests first resolving your internal conflicts to understand why you’re feeling this way. “There are a variety of issues that may be prompting reservations, and the more clearly you can describe these to your spouse, the easier the task will be. Determine which camp most closely relates to you ahead of time, and make sure your spouse is aware of this. “You’ll reduce the possibilities that he or she may draw their own inferences and take your feelings personally if you explain the ‘why’ behind your hesitation,” she advises.
Source weddingwire